Frustration and Acceptance

Frustrated.
That is what I am right now.
I’m almost in shock I’m sharing this with you all in a blog post. The majority of my friends don’t even know what I’m telling you all.
Overall, I’m a healthy person. I’m at a good weight, I’m not allergic to anything, I don’t need physical therapy for any body part, I’ve never had a cavity. This can go on and on.
What do I have wrong with me? Well, it all started my freshman year of college. I’d get horrible abdominal pain where I wouldn’t want to eat or move. After about a month of this and testing out if some particular food was causing it, I went to a gastroenterologist. I was diagnosed with IBS-C, kind of a cover-all if you ask me. I had to up my fiber intake and just eat healthy. Well, okay I can do that.
Since then, almost 2 years, the problems haven’t stopped. I deal with my IBS at random times, usually at night. I’d still get the pain but it wasn’t as frequent.
Then, I noticed the pain would only occur after I took a BM. Once I did, I was out of commission for the night. No appetite, pain that made me want to just lay down. I was over this. I was so frustrated I’d call my mom in tears. I wanted a solution, I just couldn’t deal with this. At the same time I was embarrassed to tell my friends what was wrong. I’d just say “my period” or “stomach problems”. Very vague excuses because I didn’t want them to know I was having issues. In fact, almost all of them still don’t know.
Over this break I went to the gynecologist. I told her my symptoms because I also noticed they got bad around the time my period was going to happen. I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Scary. My mom and grandma had it and my mom told me her awful stories. She didn’t want me to have it but obviously she couldn’t help it. Turns out abnormal cells can grow by your rectum which is why after a BM the pain starts. The only treatment really is to deal with it, or have surgery to remove the cells but they grow back in a few years anyways.
After my appointment I was semi-relieved. Knowing why I had pain made it a little easier to deal with. With medication the symptoms weren’t even bad the last month. I thought things were looking up. Eh…maybe not.
This past weekend although I had birthday celebrations, I was a PMS mess. I wanted to cry constantly. Then I started having abdominal pain like I used to, indigestion issues among others. Today was extremely bad. I had pain all day and still do. Along with a miniscule appetite. I pushed myself to workout hoping I’d feel better but nope.
So this leads to now. Frustration. Feeling like life is unfair. Why do I have to have these problems? I’m terrified of my period now. Every BM I cross my fingers and hope for the best. If I don’t get a BM due to my IBS-C, I cross my fingers my meds will kick in and I do. Everyday I feel like is a battle with my digestive system. I’m over this. I think one of the hardest parts is only having a few people to confide to about this. Obviously this isn’t a common conversation topic among friends and I don’t really want them to know either… which is why I’m still in shock I’m BLOGGING about this. I feel like this is a huge step for me.
I just really need to accept it. Everyone has their own problems. These are mine. Maybe someday I’ll find a treatment that works for me. But for now I realize things could be a lot lot worse.